self-forgiveness

it is 2:00 in the morning and i am awake. went to sleep earlier, but now i am awake again. and it is not because i am pregnant.

i mean, it started out that way, but now it is much more than that. after getting up to pee (surprise!), and laying back down to go to sleep, i remembered something stupid i did. and now i am awake.

after thinking about all of the choices and getting excited about trying a new system of cloth diapers with ezra, some family of ours graciously bought me a whole set of the cloth diapers that i had my heart set on. it is actually one of the only things that i have done so far to get ready for ezra's upcoming arrival.

and then monday, i was cleaning out gabe's closet in an attempt to get things under control before i go into labor, and i realized that the diapers were nowhere to be found. and then i panicked because i know that we have a tendency to accidentally throw perfectly good things away when we are not paying attention or when the house gets so out of control dirty and we have to clean it really fast. and i just have a feeling that the four brand new, never used, perfectly perfect diapers that we got are gone and will not be found. i mean, our house is only so big, and i have looked everywhere just short of the attic (and only because i can't get into it).

mind you, this was on monday. it is very late thursday night, and i am too angry to sleep. i feel like that is silly. i should have already processed this and moved on, oh i don't know, about three days ago. but i have a problem with self-forgiveness. i find it hard to forgive other people and move on, but i find it nearly impossible to forgive myself. not a trait that i want to pass onto my boys.

in fact, i want to be an example of forgiveness to them, both when they are in the wrong and when i am. but it is very hard for me to forgive myself for doing stupid things. and maybe this is not exactly "blog material", but i would like to be able to look back and remember how horribly stubborn i was tonight and know that i have grown and learned to extend grace, even to myself.

so i guess this is the part where i stop typing and go back to bed without all the anger. goodnight.